How to Seduce a Dark Lord in 10 easyish Steps
by MollyBear
Summary: Have a potential Dark Lord looming on the horizon? If you ever want to stop him these 10 easy ish steps are for you!


**AN: ..............not really sure where this came from. I found it earlier today in my room. I totally forgot that I had written it. It's not meant to be taken seriously, lol. I don't ever think its that great. But let know what you think. (Shakes head) I can't believe I'm even putting this up here. Oh well. I wrote it just for fun so I hope that everyone has fun reading it. Reviews are love!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. It all belongs to J.K Rowling. Lucky woman! :)  
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1) Go back in time so at least when you're seducing him he bloody looks good. In other words so that he doesn't look like noseless, half-dead albino with a snake complex.

2) Do not get sorted in to Gryffindor. Seriously, he won't look twice at you if you do. If he does it'll be either to sneer, glare or mentally decapitate you. You know what? Don't even bother looking at him. It's safer that way. Anyway, Ravenclaw is your best bet. Also never bring up your blood status. Especially if you're a Muggle Born…not a wise thing to do.

3) Make sure you bring up your love for snakes. Get one if you can and lovingly stoke it in front of him. It'll drive him absolutely crazy. Trust me. Don't ask. Just trust me.

4) NEVER mention his parents. This boy has serious mother/father issues. In fact, just pretend that parents don't exist. If he asks you about yours just be all, "Parents? What the bloody hell are those? Some kind of exotic vegetable?"

5) For Merlin's sake don't trust the git. I mean just because he looks at you with his spectacular, piercing grey eyes doesn't mean you should lose your head. He's a bloody Dark Lord for crying out loud. (Albeit an extremely attractive one)

6) Don't let him push you away. He will try. Cast a body binder on him if you have to. Force upon him that you want to help him. Beat it into him if you must. (Side note: if you're dealing with a Dark Lord similar to mine he might actually enjoy this part.)

7) Show him a true friendship. Even if everything inside of you is screaming at you to run far, far away from him, don't. (Besides since when has listening to the voices in our heads done us any good?) You have to make him see that he's not alone in the world. Prove to him that you will always be there for him.

8) Be super smart. I mean it. Those of intellectual prowess are totally turned on by those who challenge us. It would also be helpful to defeat him in a duel. If you do this I can guarantee that he'll be shagging you within a week.

9) Don't take any crap from him. If he's an ass to you throw it right back at him and you could, inadvertently, push him to the point where he drops all his barriers and finally lets you all the way in. When this occurs you'll be quite shocked (and pleased) to learn that he's not so bad after all.

And finally number 10-

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"What in the name of Merlin are you doing up at this hour?" Came a tired voice.

Hermione Granger looked up from her feverous writing to find her fiancée staring blearily at her through heavy eyes,

"Nothing." She said with an innocent shrug. "Just writing down some tips on how to seduce a Dark Lord."

His eyes lit up amusedly. "Passing on your expertise are you?"

She grinned at him. "Well I am the best in my field at this subtle art."

He looked slightly disconcerted for a moment. "Your approach was subtle?" He demanded. "Great Merlin, if that's what you call subtle then your forward approach probably would have killed-"

"Hush! Never mock a master of her craft."

He shook his head with a knowing smirk. "Yes dear." He said humour dripping in his tone. "Are you coming to bed now?"

"In a minute." She said returning to her parchment. "I'm almost done."

He sighed. "Just as stubborn as the day we met." He winced. "I try not to remember that terrifying meeting, actually."

Hermione stuck her tongue out at him. "Cheeky." She teased. "Anyway, you wouldn't have me any other way."

"Merlin forbid." He said dryly . He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her temple. "Don't stay up too late, love." He murmured into her hair. "We have an early start in the morning."

"I won't. I promise." She said moving her head so she could give him a lingering kiss. "I love you, Tom."

Tom Riddle smiled at her. "Love you too, Hermione."

When he was gone Hermione looked over her steps and chuckled. She really was sleep deprived. Bloody wedding plans. Sighing, but with a soft smile she added the last and most important step of all;

10) If all else fails, don't be afraid to just love the stupid idiot. It certainly worked for me.

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_Warning: Your results may vary and never try to seduce a Dark Lord without any kind of supervision. _


End file.
